You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you'da had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."

You can't say that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police do not put
 the fear of the Lord into the public.
 
 Clyde, a farmer from Saskatchewan, decided his injuries from an
 accident  were serious enough to take the trucking company to court.     In
 court, the trucking company's high priced lawyer was questioning Clyde about
 the accident.    Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, "I'm
 Fine?" asked the lawyer.    Clyde responded, "Well, I'll you what happened. I
 had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the truck......., "I didn't
 ask for any details" the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question.
 
 Did you or did you not say "I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?"     Clyde
 said, "Well yes, but I had just got , Bessie into the trailer, and I
 was driving down the road........" The lawyer interrupted again and said,
 "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
 this man told the Mountie at the scene, that he was just fine.  Now several
 weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe that
 he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer my question."
 
 By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer, and said
 to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
 mule, Bessie."   Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well like I was
 saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer, and
 was driving down the highway, when this semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
 sign, and smacked my truck in the side.  I was thrown into one ditch, and
 Bessie was thrown into the other.   I was hurting real bad, and didn't move.
 
 However, I could here old Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in
 terrible shape just by her groans.  About that time a Mountie came on the
 scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her.
 After he looked at her, he drew his gun, and shot her between the eyes.
 
 Then the Mountie came across the road, with his gun still in his hand, and
 looked straight at me and said, " And how are you feeling??"

A quick test of intelligence. Don't cheat!
Because if you did, the test would be no fun. I promise, there are no tricks to the test.
Read the sentence below:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE. Do not go back and count them again. See below...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer below:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence.

A person of average intelligence finds three of them.

If you spotted four, you're above average.

If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.

If you caught six, you are a genius.

There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.
Pretty weird, huh?
Pass this on to anyone you feel would enjoy this.

------------------
http://members.tripod.com/theviperpit
Washington, PA, USA
86 Coupe 4+3:Blk Ext/Grey Int. - FE7:Z51- Targa Eliminator Exhaust:K&N:TB Air Foil
1984 - 1996: C4 Corvettes Co-moderator with PurpleC4
USS Corvetteforum SSB Y2K Blue XO

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
> room to meet with his former accountant.
>
> The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
> you embezzled from me?"  The accountant does not answer.
>
> The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
> embezzled from me?"
>
> The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
> understand you, but I can interpret for you."
>
> The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!"  The
> attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
> million dollars is.
>
> The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
> about."
>
> The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
> you are talking about."
>
> The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
> temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
> again where my damn money is!"
>
> The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
> it is!"
>
> The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!  The money is hidden in
> a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
>
> The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
>
> The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
> ...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Letter from redneck mom to redneck son

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but
the envelope was already sealed.

Seminars for Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

4. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

7. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

12. Introduction to Parking.

13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

14. Water retention: Fact or Fat.

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

21. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.

22. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.

25. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both. (In case it was missed the first time)

26. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.

27. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie.